Astrology

Astrology
Astrology is the belief that just because you were born on a certain day, you have your whole personality assigned to you. What a load of barnacles! I mean, if you point out the obvious to any astrology-freak, they will get mad and bring out their favourite excuse card - "Hur dur, booga booga! Me primitive caveman! Booga booga! Look up your "moon" and "rising" sign! By the way, drinking pee will please Zeus and the gods!" Even after doing just that, most people find that those "moon/rising" signs are just as inaccurate, if not more than their "sun" sign. There, that excuse is no more! Exposed! Admit it, astrology is literally a load of diahhrea made by a bunch of ancient flat earthers who believed that rubbing animal poop all over themselves would cure them of a cold - who died over 2000 years ago!

We don't believe today that animal poop cures a cold, so why do we keep believing in horoscopes?

The writer of this article is supposedly a "Sun Leo" with a "Gemini Moon" and "Pisces Rising" or some trash like that. BOO! None of those signs really describe her that well. Yep, Leos are supposed to be "extroverted and natural leaders who are very socially." Guess what? She's an introvert. She's not even that much of a follower - She's more of a soloist  - someone who prefers to just work alone and avoid dealing with people. She's also extremely socially awkward!

If you like astrology, look, that's great. If you are lucky enough to have a sign that actually describes you, hooray! You don't have to have the terrible misfortune of reading "You are an extrovert!" over and over when you're an actually an introvert. But remember, astrology is not a true science, and not everyone is as lucky as you. The "science" behind it is pure bogus and is illogical - the gravity of planets/stars does NOT affect your personality!

Horoscopes
Capricorn: Bleeeeeet. You are a goat, so why you scream? It will go viral as a "screaming goat" video. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Taurus: You are a bull. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Virgo: You are a lady in a dress or something. Maybe you could be the next Cinderella? You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Aquarius: You are water. Even though this is an "air" sign it's name LITERALLY relates to "water" which is really dumb and illogical. Change it now, you stupid Horoscope Hippies! I just ate a granola bar. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Gemini: You are two people. Wowie! That means you can do any chores twice as fast! Right? You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Libra: You are a set of scales. Not a pile of crusty old fish scales, you idiot! I mean, scales used to weigh stuff. If you were to weigh the amount of truth the zodiac held, it would be 0kg. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Pisces: Reece's Pieces. Reece's Pisces. I can't unsee this. You are a fish, you probably live in Bikini Bottom and visit the Krusty Krabs for lunch everyday. You probably also scream "MY LEG!" everytime you get hurt. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Cancer: You are a crab, which means you scuttle along the beach and pinch people's toes. Ouch! You are also obsessed with money and you own a resturant called The Krusty Krabs. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Scorpio: You are a scorpion, which means you have a dangerous sting. You can fend off people you hate with your stinger, however some people will try and catch you and turn you into street food. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Aries: You are a ram - a male sheep. Beep, beep, you're a sheep, I said, beep beep you're a sheep! Sorry, that song sucks I know. You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Leo: Simba... Let me tell you something that my father told me... Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars... You think that zodiacs are a load of bloody mwa mwa milky diahhrea.

Saggitaurus: OMG A CENTAUR! Centaur, why don't you trot over to Dolores Umbridge's house and say hello? I'm sure she LOVES centaurs and ISN'T super-terrified of them!

astrology is for chumps